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i was trying to sort something out today. something i've been thinking about for quite a while now. often the answer begins with a more well defined query. today i realized something that might just help.

i have been trying to suss out why i get so bored.

i've been bitching and moaning about this terrible ennui which has afflicted every fiber of my being. i like to think i'm a happy person but often i find, not so much. that's not fun. it's not the way to go through life. what if i only get one? i don't want to spend it bored. i want to spend it creative, drunk, in love and crazy. a previous post states my 'make your own happy' motto, if you will. i really do believe this. and of course all that bitching means i'm owning up to the fact that i hadn't sorted that bit out.

still, recognizing what i must do does not explain why i take such issue with boredom. it's should be a non-issue should it not?

but it's not the boredom that i can't bear. it's nothing. it's feeling nothing. it's like feeling pain is preferable to nothing. does that sound like a problem?

and i have an addiction. that first moment. that moment right before the first kiss. the first touch. unknowing hands. butterflies everywhere. just thinking about that... that's all i need. some folks need to jump off a bridge on a bunji, some folks need porn. all i need is that new moment.

maybe it's the butterflies that i am so in love with.